Remembrance: Trapped
by risokura
Summary: She sees nothing but the woman of what she used to be in her reflection. FemRevanBastila.


Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars, Knights of the Old Republic.

**Trapped**

****

I've been having these weird thoughts lately…ever since we returned from the Star Forge.

When I think about whom I was…when I was…Revan… I can't help but wonder. Why? Why did I fall to the dark side? What had possessed me to? When I think about it long enough, I find that I want to kill myself for what I did.

I ended so many lives. I destroyed so many planets. And what did I have to gain form it? More power…?

And look at what it cost me. I had lost my own identity. I lost my own sense of self. The Council however doesn't kill their prisoners. Malak. My power hungry apprentice however did want to kill me. He said so himself. But she saved me. Bastila…she used her power to keep the spark of life within my body alive. My mind was damaged. Not beyond repair. I'm surprised I even lived.

The Council gave me a new identity and new memories. I never knew and never remembered Revan.

I remember Bastila telling me that I had lost my Force Sensitivity when my mind was damaged. Yet…through a number of strange events, it had come back to me…and I became a Jedi again. This time I was a servant of the light.

Thinking of the Jedi Council stirs emotions of rage and hate within me.

_"…A Jedi shouldn't feel these things. They should always be at peace…"_

Screw that. I'm human…and what the Council did…I will never forget. I will never forgive…

The Council used me. They wanted to destroy the Star Forge so what better way to find it? Send one of the galaxies most feared Jedi out into the playing field and maybe even get them killed while their at it.

And the Council says **_they_** care about my safety. Right…that's why they turned me into a mindless slave to do their bidding? Then they had to throw that whole thing about being a Master right in my face as such a time…

Dammit…

Staring out at the endless space before me…nothing but a thin window keeping me safe. I feel safe for some reason. I can see myself reflected in the mirror. A young woman with raven colored hair, grey-green eyes and tan complexion. I look so tired. Like I haven't slept in ages. What time is it?

12:45 am…

Everyone is asleep. Yet I am the only one still up. I haven't been sleeping well at all. I keep having these dreams…about back on the Leviathan when I found out I was truly Revan and Bastila had known all this time. I remember I kill her…and while she's bleeding, lying their on the floor. I hear that name.

_Revan…Revan…don't leave me Revan. I love you…_

I walk away from her. Leaving her to die in her own pool of blood. I join Malak once again and the two of us lead the Sith to victory over the Republic. That scene keeps playing in my mind. Over and over again.

_Revan…Revan…don't leave me Revan…_

And what she says…

_I love you…_

The mention of Bastila always gets me…flustered. I can't think straight whenever I see her. My hands get clammy and I feel so awkward. It was during the celebration party on Coruscant when we finally got to talk.

She had been discreet. Grabbing my hand and then whispering something into my ear about wanting to talk to me.

We were in the gardens. I had leaned against the fountain and she began pacing as if she was nervous about something. After banging my feet against the side of the fountain for a few times, she finally turned to me. I could have sworn she was blushing when she looked at me.

"…Revan."

I raised my eyebrows. "What's up?"

She frowned. The first talk we've had since we got back and she frowns. "What's up?" she asked me. I can sense she's peeved at how I greeted her. I bet she was expected a more formal "Yes, your stuck-up-ness?"

"…er…Yes?"

She rubbed her temples and then shakes her head. "…no, it is nothing. Revan…I've been wanting to talk to you ever since we got back…I just never found a moment to do it."

And so…she told me everything. My past. How I always felt the Jedi Masters were holding me back. How I had disobeyed them on numerous accounts. And how stubborn I had been…

Now that I think about it…I haven't changed. I'm still stubborn. I still feel like I'm being held back somehow. Held back by these cursed memories of being Revan. The fall of the Dark Lord of the Sith…the Redemption of the Prodigal Knight…Revan. Can they both be true? I feel the cool glass press against my forehead as I lay my head on the window. Closing my eyes I feel a small sense of calm…but I still can't get it out of my mind…being Revan.

And much as I try to deny it…I'm still Revan…I will always be Revan…

"Dammit…"

"Revan?"

I turned around in my seat, hitting my head against the window in the process. "Oww…" After rubbing my head, I look up and see its Bastila. Immediately I feel my cheeks heat up. I look back down at the table. "Bastila, what are you doing up?" I asked her, my eyes now fixed on the glass I had been drinking out of earlier.

She was still staring at me and took a seat across the table from me. "…You weren't in your bed, so I went to look for you."

I blushed even deeper. "Oh…er…I'm fine. Just a little caffeine rush I have to work off."

Bastila shook her head. "…and it's also the bond that has me up." She frowned a bit. "Your mind…is too active at such a strange hour at night."

Before I could respond, she interrupted me. "...your restless, this bond let's me feel what you feel, as does it me to you." I looked up to meet her gaze. This bond was getting a bit irritating. If I wanted to tell her how I felt, I would have said so.

After a short while, a vision crossed my mind involving me and Bastila doing something very…provocative. I looked down at the table, my eyes adverting her gaze. That vision right now...that wasn't just a thought of Bastila's right now, was it? Or maybe it was one of mine.

"Bastila?"

She raises her eyebrow. "Yes?"

Maybe talking to her about this would help. "…Bastila. I've been thinking. About how I was once Revan."

She nodded as if urging me to continue.

I looked down at the glass again. "…I can't help but feel the guilt again. I think about all the people that I've killed. All the lives that I've destroyed. And…and…I just can't deal with the weight by myself. I feel trapped in a body that isn't mine. In a world that I can't remember no matter how hard I try."

Bastila shook her head. "You aren't Revan anymore."

I stood up and walked over to the window and folded my arms. "…but I still feel like Revan. Jolee said it before…there's something very dark about me…and I can still feel it no matter how hard I try to forget it."

"I've been with you from the very beginning and I can assure you that you are not Darth Revan, the Dark Lord of the Sith."

"You say I'm not Revan, yet you still call me by that name…"

"Listen to me. You are a hero to the Republic; you stopped Malak and returned me to the right side of the Force. Without you, who knows what might have happened!"

There she goes, trying to rationalize my thoughts again.

I couldn't take it anymore; I had to take this out on someone. Anyone. All the frustration that I've been feeling all this time since I killed Malak. Everything that I've felt, but kept pent up inside. And so, I let it all out.

"Look at me Bastila! Take a god damn look at me! Do I look like a hero to you!? Day in day out! It's always 'You did it! You saved us all!' When in reality, all I did was clean up after myself!"

Bastila closed her eyes. "There is no emotion—"

I shook my head. "Cut it with the Jedi bullshit, Bastila! It's nothing but a load junk!"

Now it was Bastila's turn to get angry with me. "Don't take that kind of tone with me! You asked me if you could talk to me, and yet here you are trying to bite my bloody head off!"

"You're the one who keeps calling me the one person I despise! MYSELF!"

"Me? ME? You're the one who keeps moping around here like you're the only damn human being in the whole entire galaxy!"

By now, we had well woken up everyone on the ship with our constant bickering. Even after Carth had tried to calm us down, we were still yelling. Just when I thought we were done arguing, she had to throw something back at me…and of course, out of rage, I wasn't thinking clearly and I had to let it slip.

"Well at least I'm not the one who had to have the Dark Lord of the Sith fall in love with her!"

Everyone turned to face me and I had to get out of there. Bastila stood frozen as I rushed past her and into the women's bunk area.

* * *

I sat down on my bed, took off my boots and shirt and rolled deep under the covers, pulling them well over my head. A few minutes later I heard the door open and a few beeps as it closed and locked. I felt her presence by my bedside. "…Revan…"

I didn't say anything.

"Revan…please. Look at me."

I still stayed firm to facing the wall. Bastila sighed. I couldn't face her right now. Not after what I said. "Revan…"

I shook my head. "Please…just go…"

"I won't go Revan."

I turned to her in rage once again. I could feel myself forcing back the tears. "Why won't you leave?" I asked, shaking my head.

"…Because I love you. No. I don't want to hear it. I've felt your pain for to long."

I looked down, blushing heavily "…Bastila…"

She loved me…after all that time. After all those petty little squabbles. After the countless amounts of teasing I put her through. Even after she wanted me to kill her on the Star Forge, and I said no...she loved me. So I did the only thing I could do.

I cried.

The tears were slow at first, nothing but a few shudders and hiccups. Steadily they grew more intense and it felt like I was going to cry my eyes dry. She had sat down on the bed and hugged me to her chest, like a little child crying into her mother's lap.

I figured everyone was well aware of what the both of us were feeling, and we needed some time alone and they would give us the privacy that we needed. Not that we planned on doing anything…

My mind was fragile at the moment…

Now with both of us snuggled up against the other in this bed meant to occupy only one, but now two, I felt whole.

I gave a sigh. With my eyes half open I began to talk. "…Bastila…I don't think Revan will ever leave me…I think she's apart of me. One of two sides to a coin…" I closed my eyes. "…I'll learn to accept the truth about myself in time…but until then…I just want to be myself."

Bastila opened her eyes. "Revan?"

I looked out at the window above the bed. It offered the only light in the dark room. I guess it was sort of like me in a way. Shrouded in darkness with only a little light to guide the way. "…I'm broken Bastila. My mind can never fully be repaired…and I'm broken. I don't know what to do. I feel lost and confused…"

"…Don't think I can't feel what you're going through right now." She said, looking straight into my eyes.

"…the bond…"

"Yes. The bond. The one thing that holds us together..."

It's too much…this is too much. "Bastila…I can't hold myself together…I need someone to lean on. To depend on." I closed my eyes and felt her hold me closer. "…Bastila…I need you."

The tears came again. "…she's here. Revan's here and she won't leave me alone. She torments me endlessly."

"…there's so much pain and suffering in your heart…and it all goes back…to the Jedi Council…"

I know Bastila could feel my emotions through the bond. I was sorry for making her feel so much…but I just needed someone to understand what I was going through. Our argument earlier had gotten me to admit some things that I didn't want to…but she said she loved me…and I trusted her.

Within a few moments I felt myself getting a bit drowsy. That crying spell from earlier was making me tired. Bastila had said something I didn't quite catch. My eyes closed and I was off to the place where Revan could find me.

* * *

_"You are weak Revan, I have your precious Bastila." Malak glowered at me. He had Bastila tied down to a torturing device._

_"Malak…please…stop it." I lay out the ground, covered in blood, light saber in my hand. I coughed a few times, more blood stained the ground._

_"Begging for forgiveness? That doesn't sound like the Revan I know." _

_"…Revan! You got to get up!" Bastila called to me. She needed my help._

_"…I'm sorry. I'm sorry…Bastila…" I fell to the floor, collapsing from exhaustion and blood loss._

_"REVAN!" She called to me but I didn't get up. Malak gave a long laugh and ordered for me to be taken away for "further purposes"_

**_You've failed Bastila. The one person who needed you the most. Now what shall you do?_**

_I don't know…what am I to do?_

**_Join the dark side…kill them…kill them all…_**

_No! Stop it…get out of my mind…_

"Revan?"

**_I'm you Revan. I'm always going to be here whether you like it or not. _**

_Get out! I don't need you!_

**_You can't deny your past, Revan. Admit it. You are the Dark Lord of the Sith. You will never be anything else…_**

"Revan! Revan wake up!"

_I am…_

I opened my eyes. I was greeted by a worried looking Bastila. I didn't feel so good either. "…Revan…are you alright?"

I hung onto her as if she were the only thing solid in this world. "…it was her again…Her and Malak…and they had you. And they…they…"

_They took you away from me…_

"Revan…"

I shook my head. "…They took you away from me…"

"Revan, Malak is dead, you killed him."

I rested my head back on Bastila's chest. "I know…but my inner demons just won't leave me alone."

I felt her stroke my head calmly. I'm sorry to put her through this…but it's something I have to deal with. Something I must do.

"It's alright…everything is going to be okay."

**Revan or not…**

"You'll get through this…we'll get through this together…I know we will."

I may not be able to find out who I really am… but right now, being here is the one thing that matters to me. Some day, one day. I will figure out who I truly am, but until then...I'll just wait and see what fate has in store for me. This is the beginning…it's not the end.

Not just yet…

_Fin_****


End file.
